i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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