Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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