She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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