Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
