OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
