wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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