We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
