Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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