My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
