Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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