My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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