It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
