I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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