Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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