It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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