Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
