I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
