I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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