you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
