Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
