Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
