Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
