You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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