Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
