your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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