i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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