im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
