But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
