Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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