i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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