I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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