It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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