Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
