So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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