1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
