I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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