i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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