it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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