I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
