I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
