Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
