she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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