Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
