some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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