my phone needs a breathalizer
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
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