shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
