I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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