If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
