i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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