Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
